Land of the Free

For the longest time I didn't feel the need to post my political views or anything about politics for that matter. Everyone with a different opinion feels the need to shove their opinions down your throat. I'm educated. If you think for a minute arguing with me over Twitter or any social media site is going to change my opinion you're clearly mistaken. I hope it's that way with everyone. I like to think of us as a society that is smart enough to do research and not let others change your mind. Sometimes I think that makes me naive. So many people are so stuck in their ways that it doesn't matter who is running as long as they're in the same party. I am registered no affiliation because I like to make a new decision each year based on who is truly the better candidate, not who is Republican or who is Democratic. Another thing I am so sick of hearing is that "Obama didn't do anything" "he made things worse." Well first of all, he can't be doing nothing and making things worse at the same time. The changes he's made have helped me and others I know personally, but most of the big changes can't be seen until later. He hasn't lied. He may not be able to change everything he planned to, but that doesn't mean he lied. Congress has to pass everything which is the reason a lot of his changes haven't been made. No president is going to do everything they say they're going to, and if you believe they will that makes you the uninformed one. I will never judge someone for who they choose to vote for, because that is their right as an American citizen and one that I appreciate. I just wish people would agree to disagree rather than hate everyone who's different. I hope no one that reads this thinks I'm shoving my opinions down  your throat because that's the exact opposite of what I'm trying to do. This is just me ranting about the problem with people who are unappreciative of our democracy system. With that said, happy voting everyone and may the best contestant win.

Love and Love Lost

As with everyone, I’ve had my fair share of heartbreak. I have become the type of girl who doesn’t let anyone in. People tell me all the time that I only go for asshats and douchebags, like it’s a quality in myself I’m not aware of. Well, let me just say, I am aware of it. I don’t really know how it started or why. I don't have daddy issues, but I might have some mommy issues? If that’s a thing girls can have. I’ll explain. When I was two, my parents divorced. My mom cheated on my dad because “he was never around.” I put that in quotations, because those are my mom’s words, and I have trouble believing it. I have the best father in the world, and I’m not just saying that. My friends would back me one hundred percent. My mom is pretty great too, but I never could get past the feeling that she ruined our family. Maybe if she hadn’t cheated on him, I’d be in a healthy relationship right now. I can’t blame everything on her, though. The guy she cheated with was a real gem; abusive, cruel, the whole nine yards. When she finally left him, he broke in to our house with a gun. Luckily we weren’t home but he made sure to let us know his intentions. I was at the ripe age of four. I think seeing all that made a lasting impression, even if some of it is hard to remember. My freshman year of high school, I juggled 3 seniors and a junior. I wasn’t used to having so much attention from guys, and I couldn’t pick one. The one was really sweet and really liked me. So naturally, I mostly ignored him or bitched about the other three to him. I realize now, this might have been my biggest mistake; I think I could’ve loved him. The others were jerks, but I didn’t care. I didn’t have real feelings for them. My sophomore year I had two major guys. One was a player, and I knew it; It drew me to him. I couldn’t explain it; I wanted to stay away, but I couldn’t. I think this was this first time I experienced something real. I didn’t care about any other guy, just him. Sadly, he didn’t feel the same. This led to multiple nights crying myself to sleep, but eventually I moved on, on to my first real boyfriend. He was adorable. I could talk to him for hours, and we never ran out of things to say. It was amazing. After a couple months, we kind of just drifted apart. We both had jobs and went to different schools. We both decided it was best to take a break. It didn’t seem final to me, I was under the impression that we’d still be friends. About a whole week after we broke up, he was dating someone else. I had heard about this girl. She liked him the whole time we were dating, but he always said they were “just friends.” I made the mistake of believing him. Obviously, I felt hugely betrayed. I drank a lot to sort of numb the pain, and because I was in high school, and that’s what you did. I lost my virginity to a complete stranger and hooked up with multiple guys. It was a low point for me. He doesn’t know it, but my best friend at the time saved me. I fell for him, and I fell hard. The only time I’ve been in love. I stopped messing around with random guys, because I didn’t want to be with anyone if it wasn’t him. He randomly started dating someone though, and I had to find out from someone else. He didn’t want me to know, and I know now it’s because he had feelings for me too. One night we stayed up talking, and he told me how he felt. We both pretty much said we loved the other and went to bed. I woke up the next morning thinking things would change, but they didn’t. He stayed with her; they’re still together now. I stuck around for a while, because I was naïve, but eventually we grew out of touch. I’m still thankful for him. He led me off a dark path, but he also took away my ability to trust. How could he love me and stay with her? Being “the other girl” gave me a different perspective. Men are pigs. I’ve become cynical of love, but I’m still hoping someone will prove me wrong. There’s a guy now that I can see myself really falling for, but I’m scared of opening up to him. I feel as though I’ve been hurt enough, but if I can’t take a risk, who knows what I’ll be missing out on. I’m guarded, but I’m trying to change.

Only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

To start my blog, I want to give some background information. My first few posts will be past tense, so you will understand me better. In my freshman year of college I went to a D2 school. I thought I would love it. It was weird for me, though, being away from my family and my core group of friends. I grew up in a very small town; everybody knows each other here. I didn't realize at the time, but I really didn't remember how to make new friends. My very best friends have been with me since middle school. Being thrust into a new environment can be very scary. As most of  you know, meeting people in college consists of partying. I was all for it, until I got caught, which was pathetically within the first month. I couldn't afford to get in trouble again, but this is when everyone was forming new bonds. I found myself staying in a lot, because I just had too much to lose. During this period of time, my anxiety reached an all time high. I had panic attacks multiple times a day. I had suffered through them most of my life, but this was more than I could handle. If you are lucky enough to not know what a panic attack feels like, I'll try to explain it. Death. That's the only way to describe it. I know it feels exactly what dying feels like. It's hard to breathe, I sweat, my heart races. It affected me so severely that I didn't want to be around people. After a year of dealing with it in silence, I had to get out. I transferred to my community college. I also got help with my anxiety and I'm now the happiest I've ever been. I'm currently in the process of getting back to school, because I eventually took time off. I've figured my life out, and I can't wait to start the rest of it. I'm so thankful for the people who stuck with me through this period of my life. These were my darkest days, and as cliche as it sounds, there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I want to share my story, because we hear of so many tragedies where people end their lives because they think things will never get better. I assure you that they can. I didn't think I could talk to anyone though, and I want all of you to know that if you feel this way, you can talk to me.

-D

"A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor."

Here goes nothing..

I've been wanting to start a blog for some time now, but I always thought "no one will read it." Recently, though, I've decided that's okay, because I'm doing this for me. I'm making big changes in my life. I want a place to document what I'm going through. Heartaches, laughter, and everything in between will be found here. I've decided to stay anonymous because I know this way I won't hold back. There's not going to be much of a pattern here, because I'm all over the place. This is a place I will share with you what I love. I hope some of you will be able to relate to me, and I will be able to relate to you. This is me, sharing my story.

-D