Love and Love Lost

As with everyone, I’ve had my fair share of heartbreak. I have become the type of girl who doesn’t let anyone in. People tell me all the time that I only go for asshats and douchebags, like it’s a quality in myself I’m not aware of. Well, let me just say, I am aware of it. I don’t really know how it started or why. I don't have daddy issues, but I might have some mommy issues? If that’s a thing girls can have. I’ll explain. When I was two, my parents divorced. My mom cheated on my dad because “he was never around.” I put that in quotations, because those are my mom’s words, and I have trouble believing it. I have the best father in the world, and I’m not just saying that. My friends would back me one hundred percent. My mom is pretty great too, but I never could get past the feeling that she ruined our family. Maybe if she hadn’t cheated on him, I’d be in a healthy relationship right now. I can’t blame everything on her, though. The guy she cheated with was a real gem; abusive, cruel, the whole nine yards. When she finally left him, he broke in to our house with a gun. Luckily we weren’t home but he made sure to let us know his intentions. I was at the ripe age of four. I think seeing all that made a lasting impression, even if some of it is hard to remember. My freshman year of high school, I juggled 3 seniors and a junior. I wasn’t used to having so much attention from guys, and I couldn’t pick one. The one was really sweet and really liked me. So naturally, I mostly ignored him or bitched about the other three to him. I realize now, this might have been my biggest mistake; I think I could’ve loved him. The others were jerks, but I didn’t care. I didn’t have real feelings for them. My sophomore year I had two major guys. One was a player, and I knew it; It drew me to him. I couldn’t explain it; I wanted to stay away, but I couldn’t. I think this was this first time I experienced something real. I didn’t care about any other guy, just him. Sadly, he didn’t feel the same. This led to multiple nights crying myself to sleep, but eventually I moved on, on to my first real boyfriend. He was adorable. I could talk to him for hours, and we never ran out of things to say. It was amazing. After a couple months, we kind of just drifted apart. We both had jobs and went to different schools. We both decided it was best to take a break. It didn’t seem final to me, I was under the impression that we’d still be friends. About a whole week after we broke up, he was dating someone else. I had heard about this girl. She liked him the whole time we were dating, but he always said they were “just friends.” I made the mistake of believing him. Obviously, I felt hugely betrayed. I drank a lot to sort of numb the pain, and because I was in high school, and that’s what you did. I lost my virginity to a complete stranger and hooked up with multiple guys. It was a low point for me. He doesn’t know it, but my best friend at the time saved me. I fell for him, and I fell hard. The only time I’ve been in love. I stopped messing around with random guys, because I didn’t want to be with anyone if it wasn’t him. He randomly started dating someone though, and I had to find out from someone else. He didn’t want me to know, and I know now it’s because he had feelings for me too. One night we stayed up talking, and he told me how he felt. We both pretty much said we loved the other and went to bed. I woke up the next morning thinking things would change, but they didn’t. He stayed with her; they’re still together now. I stuck around for a while, because I was naïve, but eventually we grew out of touch. I’m still thankful for him. He led me off a dark path, but he also took away my ability to trust. How could he love me and stay with her? Being “the other girl” gave me a different perspective. Men are pigs. I’ve become cynical of love, but I’m still hoping someone will prove me wrong. There’s a guy now that I can see myself really falling for, but I’m scared of opening up to him. I feel as though I’ve been hurt enough, but if I can’t take a risk, who knows what I’ll be missing out on. I’m guarded, but I’m trying to change.